Say Anything

I haven't posted here in a very long time. Yesterday would've been our 21st anniversary. His birthday is coming up in few days. I plan to do a balloon release for him.

In only a few short months, it will have been six years since he died. Yet the memory of that night remains etched in my brain. The death of a spouse is something you never get over. You can only get through it. While the gaping wound of his sudden passing has healed, it has left a deep, permanent scar—one that I will bear until I die.

They say that the experiences we have in life make us who we are. So I guess I am someone who can endure anything.

Alone Again Naturally

by Gilbert O'Sullivan

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower ..........
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when you're shattered .......
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church with people saying .....
My God, that's tough, she stood him up,
No point in us remaining .......
I may as well go home,
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need,
I truely am, indeed,
Alone again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts,
Broken in the world that can’t be mended,
Left unattended, what do we do?
What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And whatever else that appears.
I remember I cried when my father died,
Never wishing to hide the tears.
At sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man,
She had ever loved had been taken.
Leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken,
Despite encouragement from me,
No words were ever spoken.
And when she passed away,
I cried and cried all day,
Alone again, naturally.

Hello

Hey someone from the Health Sciences Center accessed my blog. If you want to talk, please call me. You'll find my contact info on WVU's directory. 

Is this life my choice?

My entire life is about loss. At least it has been for the past two years. I lost my husband, my father, and a good friend. I am about to lose another friend.

I also have lost people in budget cuts. I lost my two best friends from work that way.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is some kind of karmic justice. Did I do something in a past life that is forcing me to live a life of loss in this life? If it's true that you live your life to learn some kind of lesson, what's my lesson? What can I learn from being left behind?

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back through the ages and change whatever it was. Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and change things I did wrong in this life.

I don't believe that your life is laid out before you live it. It that were true, what would be the point in doing it if the outcome were aleady known? I believe that we have choices. And if we make poor choices, we get a poor life.

I think I've made some good choices, and I've made some bad ones. My life isn't terrible. It's just very lonely right now. And I wish I had a time machine.

Why?

This is a letter to God. I have written it because I have a lot of questions for him.

Dear God,
This is not a prayer in the sense that I have always thought of prayers. This is one side of a conversation that I hope you will respond to.

More than 14 years ago I had a dream in which you made me a promise--a promise that you have never kept. I want to know why? You gave me a series of numbers that you insisted I would understand. I still don't understand, and I still don't have any more peace of mind now than I did then. In fact, I feel worse than I ever have.

First of all, what are the numbers? I have tried everything I can think of. Ages of my life that were significant, some kid of message numbers that I would see and know what they meant, even lottery numbers--and none of it makes sense.

Over the past three years, you have taken three of my family members. Is that significant to the numbers? Threes? Is that the promise you made? That you will always take people and things in threes? Can I expect to give up three people or three things on some weird three-year cycle until I am a part of that cycle in someone else's dreams?

Today I couldn't get out of bed because I'm so depressed and tired. What does it all mean? I laid in a bath tub filled with water earlier and tried to talk to you. I have not heard your answer. Are you trying to answer me? If you can do all things, then why can't I hear you? Throughout my life, I have repeatedly tried to talk to you. And I have only heard you twice that I can remember, and then it's in some strange, cryptic dream filled with metaphors that I don't understand.

If I didn't really understand the dream, tell me what it is that I'm missing. And if you made a promise, why didn't you keep it? I asked you for help, and I have not gotten answer. Why? I read a book in which speculated that the only way you can bring people back to you is if they feel deep pain. And that is why you allow people to die young or otherwise before their time. That makes no sense at all to me. The author supposed that the only way people can feel joy is if they experience deep pain. Well, that's taking Christianity to a level that's a little over the top, don't you think?

I am angry, tired, and sick of trying to figure it out. I know that everyone has to die some day, but does it have to happen so often to one family? We're not really old. But we are tired.

Next time, how about some answers to some prayers that make us happy?

This letter may sound confused and even vain, but I am tired. That's all I can say. If I'm so far off base, help me get back to base and send me a reason I can understand. Send my a dream I can understand. Help me make heads or tales out of it all.

Amen

Dear Al,

We would've been married 17 years today if you had not died. I miss you. I wonder if you can see me or hear me. I try to talk to you. Can you hear me? Where are you? Are you with me? I thought I felt you yesterday when Sheila and I were walking to Kroger. I thought I felt you take my hand. Was that you? Or was it my imagination? I felt like you were walking right beside me. Was it you?

If you can hear me, I guess you know that the car needs fixed. I guess you know I bought a house that needs a lot of fixing up. And I guess you know that I need help. I wish you were here to help me. I know you would've already had a lot of the work done.

On the way home from the gym, a song came on the radio--"When will I see you again?" I thought about you. Did you hear the music?

It's funny. When I thought about writing this letter to you, I had some many things I wanted to say. Now, nothing seems to be coming out the way I wanted it to. Do you miss me? Or do you see me so much that it's like you're still with me? Have you seen Mom and Dad? Amy from the gym says that you are working for God now. What are you doing? What kind of job do you have?

Were you angry that I donated some your body parts? I donated your blood marrow. Do you know who got it? You helped a lot of people, you know?

I have a picture of you that looks like it could just start talking to me. Sometimes I stare at it for a long time, waiting to see if it will talk. Do you think that's silly? I don't.

I want to tell you how much it hurts to be alone. I want to tell you that I cannot believe that you are gone. Do you know these things?

Today, I'm going to work on the bathroom. I hope you are here to help me.

I will write to you again. I love you. I miss you.

Kathy

A Long Time Ago, My Husband Died

It's been 21 months. I still dream of him. I still feel his presence. I still love him. That won't ever change. It's been almost two years.